Heart vs. Mind Choices

When faced with a conflict, emotions can sometimes cloud our judgment, leading us to make impulsive decisions. People who know how to push our “emotional buttons” can make it harder for us to think clearly and make good choices. In heated situations, our intelligence and reason may not be as reliable, taking a back seat to our feelings.

Strong emotions like anger, anxiety, and even love can mess with our ability to think clearly and make smart decisions. It's not the feelings themselves that cause problems, but how we handle them. Instead of letting them control us, we can learn to use them to our advantage. By understanding and managing our emotions, we can improve our strategic thinking and avoid self-sabotage.

Resolving a conflict between your intellect and emotions means learning to control your feelings and focus your thoughts on the outcomes you want. This "emotional mastery" starts by recognizing how important emotions are in making decisions, especially big ones like choosing a career, getting healthier, or parenting differently than your own parents. When you're aware of your emotions, you can avoid impulsive actions and think through your choices to make smarter decisions.

“The 7 Steps of Emotional Mastery”

Here are the seven steps to get better at managing your emotions:

Step One: “Identify Your Most Potent Personal Emotional Triggers”

Each person has their own goals. Some are clear and specific (your "gold"), like aiming for a promotion in a law firm. Others paint a bigger picture of who you want to be or what you want to achieve (your "truth") like being seen as kind and dependable by others. For instance, your gold might be climbing the career ladder, while your truth is about how you want people to perceive you.

Examine your Personal Emotional Triggers closely. These are the feelings that make you act in certain ways, either positively or negatively. It's crucial to understand what sparks your emotions. For instance, if you aim to stay fit and healthy, the urge to eat unhealthy foods can be a negative trigger. On the flip side, if you're a competitive athlete, the fear of failing can actually push you to work harder and improve in your sport. Take stock of how your emotions drive your actions so you can use them to your advantage.

Step Two: “Anticipate Tough Choices”

If you've ever reacted emotionally, it's natural to wish you'd planned your response ahead of time. Planning ahead helps you handle situations better and learn from them actively. Prepare yourself by thinking ahead to prevent your emotions from controlling your actions. Stay aware so you can predict potential problems and decide how you'll respond in advance. Get ready to consciously guide your reactions instead of acting impulsively.

To make smart choices, especially when emotions run high, it's vital to clarify your life goals. Start by jotting down two lists: one of things you really want (your gold goals) and another of things you absolutely don't want (your truth goals). Then, ask yourself some important questions, like: What do I want to achieve in life? Where do I see my career heading? What am I aiming for in life? What do I fear? Who do I want as my friends? And what kind of person do I truly want to become?

Listing your desires, needs, and aspirations can actually get you closer to the life you want. Let's say you start by prioritizing giving up alcohol and choosing a sober lifestyle. Expect that people might offer you drinks at social events. Decide in advance that instead of saying yes, you'll opt for a non-alcoholic option like soda or juice. Once you know what you want to achieve, anticipate potential challenges, and prepare your response, you'll be better equipped to make smart decisions when faced with tough choices.

Step Three: “Construct Your Future Frisuals”

Visualization is a powerful tool many people use to stay motivated and achieve their goals. For instance, athletes imagine winning games, and those facing illness envision being healthy. To achieve both short and long-term objectives, it's crucial to picture success. "Framing" means creating a compelling picture of success in achieving a goal, which can spur important decision-making. "Frisualization" combines framing and visualizing yourself overcoming a tough situation. It's like mentally snapping a positive photo, such as crossing the finish line of a marathon.

To steer clear of dangerous situations like driving under the influence, you can visualize past experiences where such actions led to harm. Visualizing these scenarios, known as "frisualization," is a powerful way to remind yourself of what to do and what not to do. It helps you make smarter choices and avoid repeating past mistakes. Reviewing past situations where you lost patience with a co-worker and imagining better ways to handle them can help you learn and improve. Similarly, visualizing future events, like delivering a successful presentation, can prepare you mentally for success. This practice encourages active learning and emotional control, crucial for personal growth and better behavior.

Step Four: “Working with Positive and Negative Energy”

Breaking free from harmful habits can be tough, especially if you've been stuck in them for a while. For instance, someone in an abusive relationship. Escaping may seem impossible, and moving on can feel like a distant dream. But picture the good times with friends. It might sound small, but filling your mind with positive memories can give you the push you need to break the cycle.

Identify and address triggers that make you feel helpless or inadequate. Let go of anger and reduce stress. Figure out what people, places, or things make you feel really bad and get rid of them. Think about what makes you upset and try to calm down. Look back on your past and think about any traits you might have inherited, like a history of feeling down or needing help with managing anger, so you can work on them.

Reflect on past instances where you acted harmfully, like pushing away someone you cared about due to feeling abandoned before. Pinpoint what triggered your hurtful actions. Moving forward, forgive yourself. Show kindness to those who may have hurt you in the past. This will help you stop repeating negative patterns of behavior.

Step Five: “Have a Reminder List at Your Fingertips”

Now that you've managed your emotions, you're set to make smarter choices.

• Get crystal clear about the choices you want to make in life:  Make a list and dig into your past actions to understand what you do and don’t want. Think about what each choice might lead to.
• Use frisualization to avoid repeating damaging behavior patterns: Learn from your most vivid negative memories to avoid repeating harmful behavior patterns. Reflect on how a particular event impacted your life negatively. What lessons did you gain from it? How would you change your actions if faced with a similar situation now?
• Identify what sets off your emotions: Recognize what triggers strong feelings in you. Use these emotions to your advantage.
• Collect positive images: Surround yourself with people, places, and things that bring optimism and inspire change. Use them as motivation to reach your goals.
• Eliminate negativity: Figure out what brings you down, steering clear of those factors, and letting them go. Learn from your past slip-ups and move on. Release any resentment towards those who have wronged you to progress.
• Consider consequences: Understanding the potential consequences helps you avoid making harmful decisions. Picture the worst-case scenario and steer clear of it.
• Ask important questions:   Knowing what you want will guide you to make smart decisions instead of emotional ones.
• Be grateful: Being grateful helps you to let go of small issues.
• Practice: Prepare for challenges ahead to achieve the best outcomes in various situations.

Step Six: “Prepare to Make Decisions That Are Consistent with Your Life Goals”

When it's time to make big decisions, your life choices matter most. Know your truth and your strengths when resolving things. For example, Many people decide to quit smoking. This choice can be fueled by personal emotions, like using cigarettes to calm down. But aiming for a clear goal of living a long, healthy life can help someone addicted to tobacco stop smoking.

When facing big decisions like changing careers, starting a family, or quitting smoking, take a moment to really think about what you want. Create a visual representation of your choices, so you're prepared when it's time to make a decision.

Step Seven: “Review Your Life-Choice Process”

Regularly revisit your list of life goals to stay focused. Identify what triggers your strongest physical reactions. Prepare for these triggers and create a clear plan for making logical, not emotional, decisions. Some choices are straightforward, like paying with cash instead of a credit card. But not all decisions are that clear-cut. Stay adaptable and have a general plan for how you want to act. For instance, if you get nervous in social situations, aim to attend one upcoming event and talk to a few people you know. To make smart choices, be clear about your goals and update them regularly. This helps you stay focused and choose actions that lead to what you want.

“The Finishing Touches”

Even if you learn to control your feelings, you'll still mess up sometimes. Don’t get down if you stumble and need to get back up again. Avoid making choices when you're drunk, tired, or super stressed. It's better to decide, especially important stuff when you're thinking clearly.

If things don't go as planned, admit when your actions don't match your goals. Then, be brave and fix it. Learn from this experience and use it to keep moving forward. Remember it when you face similar situations in the future.

Keep focusing on what you want in life and making smart choices over impulsive ones. The more you practice imagining your goals, the easier it'll be to make decisions that line up with them. With enough practice, you'll find it simpler to make decisions based on what you truly want rather than what you feel in the moment. This skill will help you shape the life you desire.