Jennette's Despair

Jennette and her three older brothers, Marcus, Dustin, and Scott, are in the ICU with their comatose mother, Debra. The doctor has said she has just two days to live. Each of them shares their best news with her, hoping it will make her wake up.

Jennette decides to tell Debra that she™s finally become skinny, something her mom used to criticize her about all her life. However, Debra doesn™t wake up. Jennette feels hopeless; her whole life has been about trying to please her mom. If she passes away, Jennette wonders what the purpose of her life will be.

Jennette™s Birthday Wish

It™s Jennette™s sixth birthday, and she™s excited to open her mom™s present. It turns out to be a Rugrats outfit, featuring Angelica, her least favorite character, and it has ruffles, which she doesn™t like either. Despite this, she looks at her mom and says it™s her favorite gift ever.

Jennette™s mom, Debra, was diagnosed with breast cancer at 35 when Jennette was only 2. Although she has recovered, the atmosphere at home is tense because everyone worries the cancer might return. Jennette often thinks about how her mom makes them watch a home video right after her diagnosis every week. In the video, Jennette, who was just a toddler, sings œJingle Bells and her mom comments that she was a œbrat and a œstinker for not understanding how serious the situation was. Jennette knows this isn™t fair since she was so young, but it still makes her feel bad. Before blowing out her birthday candles, she closes her eyes and wishes for her mom to stay healthy for another year.

Pursue Her Mom's Dream

Debra wants Jennette to have the life she missed out on. One day, while doing Jennette™s hair, Debra tells her daughter that she always dreamed of being an actress. She then argues with her husband on the phone and complains to Jennette that she wishes she had married someone else. œDo you want to be Mommy™s little actress? she asks Jennette, who feels pressured to say yes, even though she doesn™t want to.

They attend an Academy Kids agency audition. which is very uncomfortable for Jennette. When it's her turn, she performs the hand gestures and giggles her mom taught her, but the agent finds it strange and asks her to stop. Jennette is cast as a background actor, making her anxious that she has let her mom down by not being in the lead role. The agent realizes that Debra is pushing her dreams onto Jennette and tells her œGood luck, which Jennette only understands later.

Jennette's first appearance on The X-Files is as an extra. She portrays an alien child who is being gassed to death. They film the scene all day, and Jennette is eager to leave. When she tells her mom about it, Debra gets excited and says Jennette is going to be a star.

Debra's Struggles and Jennette's Perspective

Since Debra's cancer diagnosis, she has become a hoarder, filling her house with items she doesn™t need. Jennette, who is homeschooled and spends most of her time at home, dislikes the clutter and looks forward to Sundays when she can go to church. She loves church because it™s her only break from the mess, aside from her acting classes.

Mark, Debra's spouse, always irritates her when he arrives home late. suspecting him of cheating. One night, when he is three hours late, she becomes furious, pulls out a kitchen knife, and demands that he leave the house. Jennette supports her actions to get Debra™s approval. Jennette remembers a time from when she was 8 when Debra cried because Jennette wanted her to stop wiping her after using the bathroom. Debra insisted she would continue doing it until Jennette was 10.

Unexpected Acting Breakthrough

While playing a minor role in a short film called Golden Dreams, Jennette is having a rough day. The director notices her sad look and thinks it™s perfect for a scene, so he promotes her to a leading role for the shoot. Jennette is thrilled. She later finds a new agent, Barbara Cameron, who has worked with many famous child actors, including her children. However, Barbara requires Jennette to improve her charisma in an acting class. Jennette dislikes the classes because she has to pretend to feel emotions she doesn™t experience, which makes her feel awkward. To make things worse, her mom insists on attending the classes with her, the only parent to do so, and constantly judges and advises her on how to act and what expressions to use.

Signs of Control and Coercion

Jennette feels nervous about expressing her true feelings to her mom because she doesn't want to disappoint her, even in small things like choosing a different ice cream flavor. When Jennette does get ice cream, she is only allowed half a scoop, and her mom carefully watches what she eats. Jennette will be appearing in a comedy series called Mad TV, Barbara informs Debra. Jennette is uneasy about saying the word œgay in a negative way in the sketch, but Debra makes her do it. As Jennette gets more acting roles, her mom always makes it seem like her success is about her instead.

Debra was devastated when she learned that Jennette didn™t get a role because she wasn™t pretty enough, causing her to cry uncontrollably. After that, Debra tried everything to make Jennette look better, including teeth whitening, hair dye, and mascara, even though Jennette disliked these changes. However, there was one time when Debra got a call saying Jennette was too pretty for a role. This was the only instance when Jennette saw her mom happy about her not getting a part.

Debra switched agents to Meredith Fine, who she thinks has more successful clients. She arranges for Jennette to try out for the television program Strong Medicine, where she will perform a scene involving screaming and kicking. Jennette decides to mimic the way her mom behaves when she gets violent with her dad. Everyone is impressed by her performance and applauds when the audition ends. Jennette's mom starts crying. This is the first time Jennette feels good at something. She gets the role. However, on the shooting day, Debra tells her she wasn™t as good as in the audition. Shortly after, Jennette signs with her first talent manager, Susan Curtis, who lands her a guest lead role on Karen Sisco, her biggest part so far.

Jennette's Breaking Point

Casting directors often look for kids who can cry on demand, so Debra makes Jennette think of very sad situations, like losing her brothers or grandpa. This technique works well, and Jennette becomes known for her ability to cry on cue. At around 11 years old, Jennette is at an audition but suddenly feels she can™t cry on cue. She realizes she wants to stand up for herself and not take on another traumatic role. The audition goes poorly. On the way home, Jennette, without thinking, says she hates acting and doesn™t want to do it anymore. Her mom starts crying hysterically, so Jennette quickly tells her to forget it. But Jennette notices she wants to make herself happy too, not just her mom.

For fun, Jennette writes a screenplay she enjoys calling Henry Road. She finds that writing gives her more control than acting, as she doesn't have to pretend to be someone else. However, when she shows the script to her mom, her mom is worried. She wants Jennette to focus on acting rather than writing.

Jennette's Struggle with Anorexia

Jennette notices bumps in her chest one day and worries she has breast cancer like her mom. Panicked, she tells her mom, who reassures her that her breasts are just developing. Jennette says she doesn™t want breasts, so her mom suggests cutting calories, which she has always done. Gradually, Debra reduces Jennette™s meals and calorie intake. Jennette becomes obsessed with pleasing her mom by not eating. She weighs herself five times a day and gets very anxious if she gains any weight. During a doctor™s visit, the doctor tells Debra that Jennette has anorexia. Debra says she will handle it but continues to support Jennette™s unhealthy eating habits.

Even at the age of 14, Jennette's mother continues to insist on spoiling her. She occasionally even showers her 16-year-old Scottie, but they both feel so awkward about it. Jennette detests the exams Debra performs on her privates, which are purportedly performed to check for cancer. Jennette has to mentally separate herself and think of Disneyland every time to avoid feeling violated.

Jennette Lands Role as Sam

Debra received a call from Susan informing her that Jennette had won the role of Sam on the Nickelodeon show iCarly. This was Jennette™s first regular TV role, and both she and her mom were ecstatic. Jennette hoped this achievement would finally make her mom more relaxed. However, this wasn™t the case. As Jennette began to receive gift baskets, including one from the show™s lead, Miranda Cosgrove, her mom prohibited her from eating any of the sweets or fruit.

Jennette finds Miranda cute and wants to be friends with her, but her mother tells her not to because Miranda isn't a Mormon. Despite this, the two girls communicate frequently over AIM.

Similar to how she feels about her mother, Jennette has the same fear of upsetting the creator of the show, whom she calls The Creator. She claims that he is skilled at manipulating people, either by making them feel extremely important or by making them cry because of their humiliation”he once fired a 6-year-old for mispronouncing a line on set, for example. His actions are eerie. Jennette feels worthless and sexualized when he makes her try on various swimsuits for him. In front of everyone, he tells her that she's not doing a good job and forces her to have her first kiss on screen, a scene that takes seven takes to perfect. He tells Jennette and Debra one day while they are eating lunch that if she continues to follow his directions closely, she might get her show in a few years. While Jennette detests the idea of having to follow The Creator's wishes, Debra is overjoyed.

Jennette's Struggle with Fame and Her Mom's Control

When Jennette is about 16, iCarly is a big hit, and she's very famous. She can't go out without being recognized, and she hates it. She dislikes taking pictures and pretending to be happy during interactions, but her mom constantly reminds her how to act. Over time, Jennette starts to see how her mom has controlled and manipulated her to fulfill her dreams, but Jennette feels guilty for thinking this way.

Jennette™s next career move is to become a pop music star, which many child actors do. However, Debra, her mom, insists on recording country music, even though Jennette dislikes the songs. A few weeks later, Jennette learns that her mom™s cancer has come back, and they both cry while hugging. Jennette wants to take a break to be with her mom, but her mom insists she should stay focused on her career.

Jennette starts a tour around America, marking the first time she™s been away from her mom for months because of chemotherapy. For the first time, she feels a sense of freedom. Without the constant pressure to please her mom, she realizes how heavy that burden is. Now she can eat whatever she wants, but her anorexia gradually shifts to bulimia. She regrets every meal and worries about the numbers on the scale. When she sees her mom again, her first comment is that she needs to go back on a diet.

Jennette's Difficult Choices and Fallout

Jennette, now 18, is having dinner with The Creator to finalize her own spinoff plans. He pressures her into drinking alcohol illegally and touches her thigh, making her feel very uncomfortable. She™s too scared to speak up because she fears losing her career.

Jennette becomes close to Joe, a 30-year-old crew member from iCarly, who is in a relationship but is interested in her. Joe ends his relationship with Jennette but quickly regrets it when she refuses to have sex with him. They stay together for a year, but Jennette hides the relationship from her mom. During a vacation, paparazzi snap photos of them together and post them online. When Debra, Jennette™s mom, sees this, she sends Jennette numerous emails calling her names and blaming her for her cancer returning. Jennette believes the hurtful words and starts to hate herself.

Debra's Health and Jennette's Personal Life

When Debra and Jennette meet again soon after, Debra pretends nothing happened and never mentions Joe. They are polite with each other, but there's clear tension between them. One day, Debra asks Jennette to practice the song œWind Beneath My Wings for her funeral, the first sign she gives that she is facing death. Later, Debra suffers a stroke and is unconscious in the ICU. When she wakes up, her first words to Jennette are about her brothers' comment that she™d just had Burger King, which they joked would make her even fatter.

Jennette breaks up with Joe because she no longer loves him. While on vacation with Miranda, celebrating the end of iCarly™s final season, she learns her mother™s surgery didn™t go well, and she is now in a coma. Jennette rushes back to the hospital.

Debra™s Prolonged Struggle

Jennette reports to her mother that she has lost 89 pounds. but Debra doesn™t wake up. Despite the doctors predicting she had 48 hours left, Debra is still alive a week later. She even manages to say œI love you to Jennette. Meanwhile, Jennette begins shooting her new show, Sam & Cat, but feels embarrassed about it. She also buys a hillside house that turns out to be a money pit, adding more stress.

Jennette occasionally gets calls saying her mom is about to die, but Debra keeps holding on. After three months, Jennette receives another call to see her mom. Thinking it might be another false alarm, she goes anyway. Surrounded by her four children, Debra finally takes her last breath. No tears are shed, as they™ve cried all they can.

Struggle with Grief and a Difficult Decision

After her mom died, Jennette found herself eating a lot and ended up hating herself for it. She went home and made herself throw up the food. On the day of Debra™s funeral, Jennette was unsure about singing œWind Beneath My Wings, a song her mother had wanted her to sing. She chose to go through with it, but once she was on stage, she began crying so much that she had to be taken off the stage.

Jennette's Struggles with Bulimia and Alcoholism

Jennette feels jealous of her co-star Ariana Grande from Sam & Cat. Ariana can take time off for her growing music career, while Jennette is stuck working with no breaks. Jennette envies Ariana's privileged background and her celebrity lifestyle, including magazine covers like Elle, while she feels she isn™t attractive or famous enough.

Jennette™s bulimia worsens. After she loses her virginity, she feels intense regret and falls into a damaging routine of bingeing and purging her meals. She also turns to heavy drinking, causing her to become very thin due to poor nutrition. Despite her deteriorating health, people praise her weight loss, leading her to believe she is on the right path. Whenever she tries to overcome bulimia, setbacks like false promises from Nickelodeon producers or hurtful comments from her grandmother push her back into old habits. Her thoughts become darker, and she even starts contemplating suicide.

Jennette's Integrity and Birthday Realization

After "Sam & Cat" ended, Nickelodeon offered Jennette $300,000 to stay silent about her experiences with the network, including issues with The Creator, who had been accused of abusive behavior. Jennette turned down the offer, choosing to uphold her integrity rather than accept hush money. At 21, she decided to stick to her values.

On her twenty-second birthday, Jennette was struck by a harsh reality: it would be the first year she couldn't wish for her mother to live another year. She also realized that all her previous wishes were ineffective since her last one hadn't come true. Feeling defeated, she made no wish, blew out the candles, ate some cake, and then vomited it up.

Jennette™s Therapy and Relationship Challenges

Jennette's life starts improving when she gets a leading role in a Netflix show and begins dating a guy named Steven. After a few dates, they have sex, and it's the first time she enjoys it. They become a couple. Three months later, Steven discovers Jennette has bulimia and tells her he can't stay with someone who does that to herself, so she needs to work on it if they want to stay together.

Jennette begins seeing a therapist named Laura, with whom she feels an instant connection. The first few weeks of therapy are very difficult as Jennette realizes how much she has been denying about her life. Laura helps her address her issues, and Jennette manages to go her first 24 hours in three years without vomiting. When Jennette shares this with Laura, she is praised, and Laura starts asking about Jennette's childhood to understand what led to her current state. Laura soon uncovers that Jennette was abused by her mother. This revelation horrifies Jennette, and she leaves the clinic and blocks Laura's number.

When Jennette meets Steven next, she tells him she quit therapy. To her surprise, he is okay with it and says Jesus can be her therapist instead. Steven reveals he had a religious awakening after watching the movie God™s Not Dead. He takes Jennette to church and tells her they won™t have sex again.

Shock Family Secrets Revealed

A year after Debra™s death, Jennette's dad asks her to meet him and his new girlfriend, Karen. Jennette expects him to announce their marriage, but instead, he reveals a shocking truth: Jennette and her siblings, Dustin and Scottie, are not his biological children. Debra had been unfaithful during their marriage.

Jennette struggles to understand that her mother lied to her for years. As she tries to process this, her dad drops another bombshell: he believes he is the reincarnation of Jesus Christ. Jennette is overwhelmed. Her mother is gone, her father isn™t who she thought, her boyfriend has schizophrenia, and her bulimia is ruining her teeth. Feeling lost, she hears Ariana Grande™s song œFocus On Me on the radio and decides it™s time to get help and take care of herself.

Jennette's Recovery and Family Discovery

Jennette starts seeing an eating disorder specialist named Jeff. During their sessions, she learns to view food as a neutral necessity for the body, neither good nor bad. Although she occasionally makes mistakes, Jeff helps her understand how to accept these slip-ups without letting them derail her progress. Meanwhile, Steven, who is out of the psych ward, is doing better and no longer believes he's Jesus. They enjoy their relationship again, but Steven's lithium medication causes him to become more tired, quit his job, and smoke weed daily. Despite Jennette's efforts to support him, he doesn't improve.

With the help of her friends Miranda and Colton, Jennette locates her biological father, Andrew, who plays the trombone in a jazz band. After one of his concerts, she confronts him, and he reveals that he knew about her and wanted to reach out but didn™t want to be the one to reveal the truth. He explains that her mom falsely accused him of abuse to win custody. They exchange phone numbers, and Jennette hopes they can meet again soon.

Jennette™s New Beginning

Jennette decides to sell her house after talking with Jeff about the stress it causes her. She moves into an apartment and, on her twenty-fourth birthday, throws her scale away. Her birthday gift to herself is letting go of her obsession with her weight. As she improves her relationship with food, she realizes how her acting career has worsened her disorder. Just like she had no control over food, she had no control over her roles, characters, or how she was portrayed in the media. In a brief call with her agents, she ends her eighteen-year acting career. She also ends her unhealthy relationship with Steven, which Jeff helped her recognize. 

Instead of focusing on fixing Steven, Jennette now works on improving herself. On her twenty-sixth birthday, she visits Disneyland with Miranda. Although she still purges her dinner occasionally, she notes that it happens less often. Years later, at a party, she eats a chocolate chip cookie without feeling guilt or shame, just enjoying the treat. Although recovery has been challenging, she™s pleased with her progress. When Miranda invites her to join the iCarly reboot, Jennette declines, choosing her mental health and happiness over fame and money.

The Last Meeting

Jennette had promised Debra that she would pay her grave a daily visit. However, the more Jennette learns the truth about what her mother really did to her over the years, the fewer visits she makes and the less guilty she feels about it. During a visit, she considers how unjustly the dead”mothers in particular”are romanticized and how it shouldn't be considered improper to admit the wrongs they committed. Though Jennette still misses her mother, she now acknowledges that she mistreated her. She touched her in places she didn't want to be touched, forced her into a life she didn't want, and led her into eating disorders. Knowing it's her last time, Jennette departs from the cemetery.