Adopt the best, discard the rest: Parenting Wisdom

Many of us raise our children similarly to how we were raised. If we had a happy childhood, this isn’t a problem. But for those who faced childhood trauma or parental mistakes, it can be challenging. Growing up in a strict Jewish family in the 1950s, Esther experienced firsthand the consequences of biased parenting. 

At just five years old, she was told that "boys were more important than girls," a belief that shaped her upbringing. While her younger brother received ample attention, toys, and extra food, she often felt sidelined and even scolded for eating too much. Her parents, influenced by their religion, believed women should stay at home. When she chose college over marriage at eighteen, they cut off her financial support. 

Despite her challenging early life, Esther was determined to raise her children in a supportive and accepting environment. To achieve this, she took time to reconsider her own childhood experiences. Looking at them through adult eyes, she aimed to adopt positive parenting behaviors while avoiding negative ones. 

Reflection on Childhood for Better Parenting

She decided to steer clear of her father’s distant and controlling approach, opting instead to emulate her mother’s warmth and affection. This choice allowed her to build a close relationship with her daughters, rejecting her father’s rigid views on gender roles. To steer clear of her father’s mistakes, she taught her daughters to take charge of their lives by making decisions. 

She honed their decision-making skills through simple questions like, "Do you want a banana or an orange?" or "Would you rather paint a picture or play in the yard?" These questions may seem small, but they marked a crucial departure from the stifling sexism of her upbringing.

Parents must trust their children

In her new role as a grandparent, Esther often watches over her grandchildren while her daughter Susan is at work. One morning, she dropped her eight-year-old granddaughters off at a Target store to shop alone for an hour. Seeing them skip into the shop, she felt proud of their newfound independence. But when Susan found out about the trip, she reacted differently. "

Anything could have happened to them!" she protested. Despite everything going smoothly and the girls being picked up safely, Susan's excessive worry reflects a broader loss of trust in American society. According to the 2018 Edelman Trust Barometer, which measures how much people trust their country's institutions, the United States saw a significant drop of nine points on the Global Trust Scale, marking the largest decline ever recorded. 

This loss of trust isn't just limited to institutions; a study by Pew Research in 2015 revealed that only 52 percent of Americans feel they can trust their neighbors. Shockingly, a mere 19 percent of American millennials believe that most people are trustworthy. Considering these alarming numbers, it’s no surprise Susan doubted her kids could stay safe alone. But by limiting their independence, we not only show them the world can't be trusted, we also teach them not to trust themselves.

Trust and Self-Esteem in Children

It's crucial for children to feel their parents believe in their abilities and trust them to handle tasks independently. If children are constantly told they can't be trusted to go to a store alone or play outside without supervision, they internalize this message. Consequently, they might view themselves as untrustworthy and start behaving in ways that reflect this belief. 

Research indicates that children who feel untrusted are less likely to share and collaborate, and more likely to show aggression. By trusting children to take on some responsibilities independently, parents can positively influence their self-esteem and behavior.

Disregarding children's choices can be fatally harmful

When Esther's daughter Anne finished college, she surprised everyone by saying she didn't want a professional career. Instead, she planned to stay home and work as a babysitter. Many parents might have worried about her lack of ambition, but Esther remained calm. She believed it was Anne's life, and she would find her path in her own time. Unfortunately, as a teacher, Esther has seen other parents take a stricter approach to their children's decisions, often leading to harmful outcomes.

Esther’s former student Greg, a talented high school student who loved graphic design, faced a challenging situation. His parents, both scientists, insisted he pursue a career in science like them. Despite Greg's lack of interest in science classes, his parents pushed him into taking extra courses, leaving him with less time for his beloved art. As a result, Greg became increasingly withdrawn and unhappy over time.

Parental Pressure on Teenagers

Greg struggled through parental pressure in his youth but emerged as a successful graphic artist today, living life on his terms. However, not all teens facing interference from parents are as fortunate. According to Yale University researchers, in wealthy American communities, feeling disconnected from parents is a significant factor contributing to suicide among adolescents. This isolation often begins with parents disregarding their children's choices, leading to resentment or fear. 

As trust erodes, communication breaks down, sometimes devastating families completely. Teen suicide is a complex issue influenced by various factors. At its core, it often stems from teens feeling trapped in a life they didn't choose. When these feelings overwhelm them, some teens tragically feel suicide is their only way out. Allowing children to make their own life decisions can prevent this. For instance, Esther's daughter found success in a job at an investment firm after a period of babysitting, without any parental pressure.

Successful children embody grit and learn from failure

Achieving our goals often takes time. Esther has observed this firsthand with her students. One of them, Gady, was a talented writer who always helped his peers in the school newspaper. Despite this, his classmates chose someone else as the editor-in-chief. Was Gady discouraged? Not at all. He kept writing excellent articles for the paper and continued supporting his fellow students.

When he applied to Harvard University, his grades didn't meet their usual standards, but his positive attitude impressed Harvard so much that they accepted him anyway. Today, Gady is the Media Editor at the Economist, a prestigious global magazine. Esther argues that today's kids and parents can learn a crucial lesson from Gady’s turbulent path to success: the importance of "grit." Grit means sticking to your goals even when facing tough challenges. 

In her 2014 book Grit: The Power of Passion and Perseverance, psychologist Angela Duckworth studied highly successful people and found two common traits among them.  First, they had clear goals. Second, they had a strong determination to achieve these goals, showing exceptional resilience and a robust work ethic. In simpler terms, they had a lot of grit. You can help your children develop grit by encouraging them to adopt a growth mindset in life.

Promote a Growth Mindset in Children

In her 2006 book Mindset, psychologist Carol Dweck describes two attitudes toward achievement. The first is a fixed mindset – thinking that abilities are innate and can't be changed. But those with a growth mindset believe that success comes from hard work, not just natural talent. 

They see failure as a challenge, not a reason to quit. By rewarding effort and determination instead of just praising innate talent, parents can encourage a growth mindset in their children. It's crucial not to let kids think that failing means they're not smart. If Gady had given up after a setback in high school, he might not have chased his dreams.

Collaborative parenting excels over authoritative methods

Modern parenting advice often stresses the importance of setting rules for children, like deciding their bedtime or how much they should eat. It suggests that being too lenient could lead to chaos. But does having more control mean better parenting? The truth is more nuanced. Some structure is beneficial for children, but too many rules can harm their mental well-being. 

A study in 1971 by psychologist Diana Baumrind examined families with preschool-aged children and found significant differences between authoritative and authoritarian parenting styles. Authoritarian parenting emphasizes strict rules and unwavering obedience from children, while authoritative parenting combines firmness with positivity and encourages open communication. 

Researchers have found that preschoolers raised with an authoritative approach show more independence and focus, along with a stronger sense of responsibility towards others. In a study by Baumrind in 1991, it was revealed that children who experienced authoritative parenting were less likely to engage in drug use during their teenage years.

A Fresh Approach to Parenting

Instead of simply telling their child what to do, some experts believe there's a better way to parent: collaborative parenting. In this style, parents work together with their children to accomplish tasks.  For example, instead of just deciding on a bedroom color and instructing their child to paint, a collaborative parent involves the child in the decision-making process. 

They choose the color together and even pick out paintbrushes as a team. This way, the child feels more involved and valued, like a partner in the project rather than just following orders. Even at three years old, kids grasp the idea of teamwork. They can see things from others’ perspectives, not just their own. Good parents set limits, but great ones also treat their child as a trusted partner sometimes.

Today, children and parents prioritize achievement over kindness

When Esther's mother, who was very ill, moved to a hospice, her family expected her to get good care. Unfortunately, the hospice staff ignored her. That's when Esther's daughter Anne stepped up. Out of love and compassion, Anne took two weeks off work to find a better place for her grandmother. 

They wanted her to be treated well during her remaining time. This family situation shows both the best and worst of humanity. At our worst, we act like the indifferent hospice staff. At our best, we follow Anne's example of heartfelt dedication to family. However, there's concern that there aren't many young people like Anne today. 

Harvard University’s Making Caring Common Project studied 10,000 children to understand their attitudes toward compassion. 80 percent of these kids prioritize personal happiness or success over "caring for others," which only 20 percent chose.  Additionally, most children believe their parents value academic achievement more than community kindness. This shift towards self-focus rather than empathy may stem from the overbearing "helicopter parenting" style.

Helicopter Parenting and Achievement-Driven Parenting

Helicopter parents hover over their children, obsessing over their success at any cost. They chauffeur them to countless activities and pore over their grades, solely focused on their victories, not their kindness. This intense approach was evident at a talk by an author Amy Chua, known for promoting achievement-focused parenting in her book Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother. 

Chua, a second-generation Chinese-American, openly prioritizes her children's triumphs over everything else, dismissing kindness and happiness as secondary. Despite criticism, Chua's views have resonated widely, with her book becoming a bestseller.

Gratitude is teachable and priceless

Developing kindness in your child isn't just good for others—it's great for them too. Take gratitude, for example, a key part of being kind. Gratitude means recognizing how others make our lives better and showing appreciation. Studies show that expressing gratitude improves our mental well-being, giving us more reasons to encourage kindness in our kids. 

A study in 2018 from the Journal of Positive Psychology showed that being grateful makes people happier and more hopeful about the future. Another study in the Journal of School Psychology found that grateful teenagers tend to be more optimistic, feel more satisfied with life, and have lower chances of being depressed. 

To teach your child gratitude, lead by example. Use moments like Christmas to show them the importance of saying "thank you." Instead of rushing through gifts, encourage your family to appreciate each one, even if it's not exactly what they wanted.

Nurture Gratitude in Children

Encourage children to take their time when unwrapping gifts so they can appreciate the effort someone put into getting them for them. You can also help them develop gratitude by keeping a diary of things they're thankful for. Studies show that writing down what we appreciate can make us feel even more grateful. 

Esther fondly remembers how her daughters' travel diaries helped them appreciate their experiences each day. Gratitude, kindness, independence, and collaboration are important gifts we can give our children, along with trust and respect, to make a positive impact on the world.