Stress and Anxiety in Girls

Stress and anxiety aren't always harmful, depending on the situation. Being a girl can be difficult. Even though many social, political, and legal obstacles to women's progress have been removed in the 21st century, girls still face pressures that boys don't experience. These pressures can take a toll, and in recent years, stress and anxiety among girls have increased dramatically. Before discussing the pressures girls face, it's important to remember that a bit of stress isn’t necessarily bad. It can be beneficial. Research shows that stress from challenging ourselves can lead to personal growth. For example, the stress of speaking in front of a large group can help us develop skills and prepare for future challenges.

Similarly, occasional anxiety, such as feeling nervous or fearful, isn’t always a problem. In some cases, anxiety can be helpful because it alerts us that something isn’t quite right. For instance, a teenager who feels anxious about an upcoming exam might realize they haven’t studied enough yet.

When Anxiety Becomes Unhealthy

Stress and anxiety can become unhealthy when they affect your mental well-being. This is usually less about the source of stress and more about whether you have enough support, such as emotional, financial, or social resources, to deal with it. For example, if a girl breaks her arm but has friends who can take notes for her, it may not be a big deal. However, if a girl relies on an athletic college scholarship, the same injury could be much harder to handle.

You can tell if your anxiety is becoming unhealthy if you feel constantly worried. When anxiety takes over, it can lead to racing thoughts, like worrying about looking stupid in front of classmates or missing your ride home. This kind of anxiety can affect your sleep, happiness, and ability to concentrate, making it more harmful.

Face Fears Instead of Running From Them

Dr. Damore, an educational psychologist, often works with girls during moments of stress. One day, a teenage girl named Jamie came to her in tears. She was worried about failing an upcoming chemistry test and wanted to find a way to avoid taking it. Although Dr. Damore understood Jamie’s anxiety, she did not help her skip the test. Avoiding problems only makes anxiety worse. If Dr. Damore had helped Jamie avoid the test, she would have felt relief at first. However, she would have eventually had to take the test anyway, and her anxiety would have come back. Plus, Jamie wouldn’t have learned that failing a test isn’t the end of the world, especially since this particular test wasn’t that important.

If Jamie had skipped the test that day, she would have continued to think that difficult tests were something to fear, and she might have avoided them in the future. When we help girls avoid things just because they make them anxious, it can lead to bigger problems. For example, a girl who is afraid of dogs might cross the street whenever she sees one, feeling relieved at first. But by avoiding it, she doesn’t overcome her fear.

Dr. Damore helped Jamie by guiding her to face her fear instead of avoiding it. Jamie was afraid of dogs, and by running away from them, she only strengthened her fear. Dr. Damore explained that avoiding problems, like not studying for a test, would only make them harder. She suggested that Jamie ask her teacher for extra help before the test and watch online tutorials to clear up any confusion. A few days later, Dr. Damore spoke with Jamie again. While Jamie felt the test didn't go well, she was more relaxed after taking it. By helping her take small steps toward facing her fears, Jamie learned that it’s okay to try, whether she succeeded or not.

Shyness in Children Is Not Always a Problem

Dr. Damore, a psychologist, often meets parents who are concerned about their children’s social skills and ability to make friends. Ten-year-old Alina’s parents had similar worries. They thought she was socially anxious, had only a couple of friends, and had always been cautious around new people, even as a baby. They asked Dr. Damore what they could do to help her become more outgoing.

To their surprise, Dr. Damore did not view Alina’s behavior as a problem. In recent years, many parents have been quick to label their children as socially anxious, but Dr. Damore believes that many of these children are simply shy by nature. Research has shown that babies have different personalities. Some babies are easygoing and adapt quickly to new people or changes. Others may be irritable and dislike change. Some babies are slow to warm up, meaning they are cautious and take time to adjust to new things. Research also shows that all these types of babies can grow up to be well-adjusted, confident adults.

Dr. Damore thought Alina was one of these children who was slow to warm up. She might be shy or wary of new people and situations at first, but that doesn’t mean something is wrong. Dr. Damore encouraged Alina’s parents not to compare her to her more outgoing brother. Instead, she advised them to reassure Alina that it was okay to take her time in social situations. For example, if a shy child is invited to a party and says they don’t want to go, parents should calmly acknowledge their feelings without judgment and suggest waiting a few days to see if they change their mind. Children like Alina often feel more comfortable after they have had time to think things over.

Girls' Academic Achievement and the Pressure They Feel

Girls in the U.S. tend to do better than boys in school. They excel in every subject, outnumber boys in college, graduate more often, and earn more advanced degrees. However, this success comes with a downside. Girls often feel more stressed about their academic performance than boys do.

One key reason for this is that girls worry more about how well they are doing in school. They care deeply about the feedback they get from teachers, which can impact how they view themselves. When they get a bad grade, they often see it as a sign that they are not capable. This leads to disappointment and frustration. Boys, on the other hand, are generally more confident about school. They tend to brush off poor grades and believe that a bad grade means they didn’t try hard enough, rather than thinking it shows they lack ability.

To help girls manage this pressure, it’s important to show them that their grades do not define their abilities. If a girl receives a bad grade, explain that it only reflects her understanding at that moment, not her potential. Encourage her to put in more effort, study harder, and improve for next time. Let her know that she can grow her abilities through hard work. Research shows that students who believe they can improve their skills tend to feel less stressed about school compared to those who think their abilities are fixed.

Widespread Sexual Harassment and the Impact on Girls

Many girls face sexual harassment and often feel like it’s their fault. Dr. Damore, who works with girls, meets with them one-on-one and in groups to discuss problems they face. In one of her discussions with 15-16-year-old girls, the topic of the Me Too movement came up, focusing on sexual abuse by people in power.

Dr. Damore then asked if any of the girls had personally experienced harassment. The answers were shocking, but not surprising. According to research by the American Association of University Women, nearly half of all middle and high school girls in the U.S. have faced unwanted touching or groping at school. Even though the girls Dr. Damore spoke with attended an all-girls school, they still dealt with harassment in their daily lives. Many said boys grabbed their butts, pulled their bra straps, or called them names like "hoe" or "slut." Dr. Damore also noticed that the girls were often unsure if the harassment was somehow their fault.

One girl shared that she and her friends wore leggings, and she wondered if that made the boys treat them badly. This feeling of shame stops many girls from talking about harassment because they think they must have done something to bring it on. This self-blame shows how important it is for parents to remind their daughters that they are never responsible for being harassed. If you have a teenage daughter, start a conversation with her about sexual harassment. Ask her about how boys behave toward her and if she feels respected. If she opens up about any negative treatment, let her know you’re happy she told you and that you’re there to help. If she doesn’t want to talk, just remind her that harassment is common, and it’s always the harasser who should be ashamed, not the victim. Reassure her that she will never regret asking for help in situations like this, now or in the future.

Cultural Pressure on Girls to Be Agreeable

The pressure for girls to be agreeable is leading to anxiety. Society often holds girls to standards that boys don’t face. Dr. Damore observed this when a 15-year-old girl named Nikki came to her for help. Nikki was struggling with anxiety because she had too much schoolwork and extracurricular activities. She wasn’t sleeping well due to the stress.

As Dr. Damore talked to her, Nikki’s main issue came to light: she felt she couldn’t say no to anyone. Nikki, a talented gymnast, had decided to quit the sport because of her heavy workload. However, her coach didn’t accept her decision. The coach pushed Nikki to continue with gymnastics and also asked her to teach younger gymnasts. Nikki agreed to both, even though she didn’t want to, because she didn’t want to disappoint the coach.

In our society, girls are often taught to be more obedient and agreeable than boys. We expect girls to do what they are told. To see this in action, think about how girls are labeled when they refuse requests. For example, if a girl says no to helping clean up a mess she didn’t make, she might be called inconsiderate or worse, a diva or a bitch. Are there similar labels for boys? Not really. At most, we might call a disagreeable boy a "dick," but it doesn't carry the same strong negative judgment.

Teach Girls to Set Boundaries

When a boy misbehaves, people often say, "Boys will be boys." This double standard creates pressure on girls like Nikki, who often find themselves in a tough spot. It is hard for them to agree to everything people ask of them, but they fear saying no because they're afraid others will think badly of them or call them unpleasant names. As a result, girls often feel anxious about turning people down. For example, a girl invited to a party she doesn't want to attend might worry about what others will think if she decides not to go.

To help your daughter manage her time better and reduce stress, teach her that it's okay to say no. Don't contribute to the criticism that often comes when women set boundaries.