Kids stress with lack of control

Feeling in control is crucial for our well-being. When we drive, we feel more secure because we are in charge, unlike when we fly and rely on a pilot. This sense of "control" is also why we carefully choose our food after studying the menu. A study in the 1970s showed that nursing home residents who were told they could decide for themselves lived longer than those who were told that nurses would take care of everything. When we feel powerless, stress can overwhelm us, affecting both children and adults negatively.

Zara, a 15-year-old attending a prestigious private school, follows a tightly regimented schedule. Her days are packed with classes and brief breaks, followed by hockey practice and volunteering for an environmental charity as advised by her parents. 

Evenings at home are dominated by four hours of homework, with weekends mirroring the same routine: free time is contingent on completing assignments. Her parents, driven by aspirations for her to attend a top university, are relentless in their expectations. However, Zara is plagued by migraines, struggles with sleep, and frequently finds herself in heated arguments with her parents.

Is Parental Control Beneficial?

Contrary to parents' claims that strict rules are "for her good," constant directives both at home and school harm children. This pressure leads to stress and anxiety, which can disrupt crucial brain development from ages 12 to 18. 

Such stress may cause lasting mental and physical health issues. Even in affluent homes, where achievement expectations are high, this problem is widespread. For instance, 80 percent of students at one elite Silicon Valley high school reported anxiety due to stress.

Empowered children are happier and more motivated

When kids feel like they have no control over their lives, they often rebel against authority, even when they're given good advice, like "You must submit your homework on time to pass the school year." Commands usually provoke defiance. Instead of micromanaging every detail of their children's lives, parents should give them space to make their own decisions.

For example, every night, Jonah's parents told him to stop playing video games and do his homework. And every night, Jonah would sit at his desk and pretend to finish his assignments. In reality, he was just passing the time. It wasn't that he couldn't do his work. He could. But he chose not to.

Respect Children’s Autonomy

Forcing children to do something, even if it’s good for them, undermines their sense of control. When Jonah’s parents insisted he sit down for hours each night, they were essentially saying, "We know what's best for you, not you." This made Jonah angry and stressed, which is why he pushed back. The best approach for parents is to recognize that their child has their own life. As spiritual teacher Eckhart Tolle puts it, “They come into this world through you, but they are not yours.”

Jonah's parents decided to ease up on their strictness. Instead of forcing him to do homework every night, they started asking, "Do you have any assignments tonight? Let us know so we can plan our evening." At first, Jonah just played video games. 

But when he realized his grades were his responsibility, he started to change – especially when it seemed he might not graduate on time. Without his parents hovering, he began to buckle down on his own. It paid off: he made it through high school, went to college, and graduated with a psychology degree.

Guide kids to make informed choices independently

Parents often believe they have the best judgment for their children. This can lead them to make significant decisions without involving their kids. Take Chelsea, who recently switched from a public school to an expensive private one but is miserable and wants to return. Her father insists she stays, believing it will lead to academic success and a bright future. But what if Chelsea's unhappiness hinders her learning? What if she doesn't excel at the private school? Maybe she would have thrived more in her old, more relaxed school environment. It's a reminder that adults don't always have all the answers.

When guiding their children, parents should shift from being authoritative figures to acting more like advisors. Instead of imposing decisions, they should present options, information, and their views, trusting their child's judgment. Research conducted over three decades ago highlights children's ability to make sound choices. Participants aged 9 to 21 were asked how they would handle a situation where a boy isolates himself for weeks.

Most children, just like experts, suggested sending the boy for outpatient therapy. Surprisingly, 14-year-olds made almost the same choices as 19 and 21-year-olds. Even 9-year-olds were close behind, scoring slightly lower not because they made worse decisions but because they were less familiar with psychotherapy. Children are capable of making sound choices. To help them, parents should provide all the necessary information and trust them to decide for themselves.

Parents should model calmness to prevent children's anxiety

Parents have always worried about their kids, but today's technology offers more ways to track their movements and gather information about potential dangers. A mother can now monitor her child's first bike ride closely using Google Maps. 

Similarly, a new dad can easily research serious illnesses when his baby has a minor rash. This heightened awareness has led many parents to feel increasingly anxious. What's worse, this anxiety often rubs off on their children. Anxiety behaves like a contagious virus, spreading from parents to kids. Even if parents try to hide it, their children can sense their true feelings.

 Psychologist Paul Ekman explains that our involuntary facial expressions give away our emotional state, saying, "If we knew what was on our face, we would be better at concealing it." Children can easily read our facial expressions, and they often think they're the reason behind any negative feelings they see. Even if your bad mood is because of work, your child might think you're upset with them instead.

Become a Calm Influence for Your Child

Parents often pass their worries to their kids. To prevent this, managing your anxiety is crucial. Luckily, calmness spreads just like worry does. Here's how you can be a calming presence for your child: start with the basics. Exercise regularly and get enough sleep. If you like, try yoga too. And most importantly, learn to think through your concerns about your children. 

In the Western world, we're currently in the safest era ever when it comes to the immediate dangers we face. Research shows that when kids are around someone who stays calm, they are happier, healthier, and more successful. They even do better on tests. So, if you want what's best for your children, aim to be a steady and calming presence in their lives.

Kids require tech breaks

Parents today face significant challenges beyond just passing on anxiety to their kids. The overuse of technology is another major worry. If you've spent time with children recently, you'll notice how much they rely on screens. Some kids get anxious after just half an hour away from their devices. It's no surprise; that adults are glued to their smartphones, so it's natural for children to see them as essential as any body part.

Today's technology is reshaping how children's brains develop. Some changes are positive. For example, playing video games can improve multitasking abilities and help with remembering visual details. However, excessive screen time can be harmful. Psychologist Larry Rosen suggests that constant exposure to devices is altering how children's brains function compared to their parents. They struggle more with controlling impulses and focusing. Many stay up late playing games or chatting, leading to increased stress and sleep deprivation.

Improve Your Family's Tech Habits

If you're a concerned parent, start by examining your tech habits. A British study found that 70 percent of kids think their parents use technology too much. So, before you start advising your kids, take a look at how you use technology. If you can show them how to use it wisely, you'll be setting a good example. If you still think your children's tech use is an issue, talk to them about it openly. 

Be understanding, but also schedule tech-free times for the whole family. Aim for at least 30 minutes each week when everyone disconnects. For instance, try Sunday mornings making pancakes together or going for a walk outdoors. 

Imagine you're at a restaurant with your child and notice a couple engrossed in their phones. You could quietly ask your child how he would feel in their shoes. By discussing this calmly, you can help your child develop a healthier relationship with the technology around him.

College readiness: Many kids aren't prepared

Your daughter is nearing the end of high school and looking forward to college, just like her friends. She's been working hard to get good grades. But deep down, you know she might not be fully mature yet. She'll get there eventually, but maybe not by the time she turns 18. Since college is a big investment, it's important to consider whether she's ready for this next step.

Not everyone is ready for college at the same time. Some kids might need an extra year or two before they feel comfortable moving away to a new place for several years. Here’s why: if your child didn’t take charge of their college search or needed a lot of help filling out applications, it probably means they're not quite ready yet. 

They might also struggle with basic responsibilities like cooking, cleaning, and taking care of themselves independently. These are the signs that they might need more time to mature before tackling college life. 

Prepare High School Graduates for College

Maybe she doesn’t truly know herself yet. She might not fully understand her strengths and weaknesses. And perhaps she struggles with self-control, finding it hard to avoid harmful habits. College brings big changes for most young people, and many aren’t ready for it. What’s the solution? One way to get high school graduates ready for college is to consider a “gap year.” 

Taking a year off to travel or volunteer lets young adults build self-awareness and confidence before starting college. If your child is set on going to college right after high school, you can ask her to prove she’s ready. For example, she could show she can handle her own life six months before starting college. That might mean managing money well or organizing her time without help. If she can do this easily, great – she’s ready to go! If not, she might need more time to get ready.

Pathways beyond academic success lead to fulfillment

Failing a geography exam might feel devastating, like a missed chance at Harvard. But there's more to success than just grades. Amid the academic pressure, it's crucial to remember: that success and making a difference come in many forms. Many young people wrongly think they've failed if they don't pursue the typical academic path.

At a work picnic, a colleague spoke with another guest. They discussed college, and the colleague asked if he had gone. He said no, feeling he "wasn’t smart enough." When asked what he did instead, he replied, "I’m just an emergency medical technician." But being an EMT is crucial. Imagine needing help during a heart attack: would you prefer a Harvard-educated fund manager or someone who saves lives daily?

Discover Your Child's Strengths

Each person excels in their unique way. Your child's happiness and success hinge on identifying what they excel at. There are various types of intelligence, such as musical, visual, linguistic, and emotional abilities. For instance, your child might find math challenging but could excel in understanding people's feelings.

When your child struggles in school, it's crucial to remember that success often comes through varied paths, not just a straight line. Life rarely goes exactly as planned for anyone, and it's okay to talk about your ups and downs with them. Start by discovering what your child enjoys the most. Ask about their strengths and what they think they excel at compared to others. Share your perspective too, if it feels right. This can help outline a clearer path forward together.